in my fecking mold.

As always I have absolutely nothing interesting to mention about. It's so tedious. Everydayness lets me down constantly and I don't what to do about it, I don't know where to start and above all I have no strength. Shite, my sister calls me, I have literally no strength nor will to go there to help her. Throwing up was kind of exhausing today.

I feel it's too late now. I've lost the fancy for living, even the last little beams of joy left me... I feel I've lost my chance because there was a period this spring when I was positively affected by some antidepressants which I got from my best friend who didn't need them as much as I did. That was helpful, I believed they worked, kind of placebo too I presume but as the time passed I can see that it had a real impact on me, I was more lively and simply nicer while being with other people. And what's more I vomited not more than twice a day and I intended myself to meet with other people and I communicated with my family.
Even mum noticed that I was strangely courteous and smily. But right now she's blind as usual and I hate myself too much to bring myself down to the level of begging her to let me take antis. She's a doctor and she keeps on prescribing this kind of pills for my aunts, her friends while I'm here, numb and dying for some of them. Gosh, but I can't tell her I've tried them because she might be mad at me for my irresposibility... so I dunno. I may ask my psycho but I did it once previously and she ignored my request so I may try to tell her about this little trial with the tablets from my friend but it's all gonna be crap, I'm sure.

I've never ever before felt so crappy. So miserable.