in my fecking mold.

As always I have absolutely nothing interesting to mention about. It's so tedious. Everydayness lets me down constantly and I don't what to do about it, I don't know where to start and above all I have no strength. Shite, my sister calls me, I have literally no strength nor will to go there to help her. Throwing up was kind of exhausing today.

I feel it's too late now. I've lost the fancy for living, even the last little beams of joy left me... I feel I've lost my chance because there was a period this spring when I was positively affected by some antidepressants which I got from my best friend who didn't need them as much as I did. That was helpful, I believed they worked, kind of placebo too I presume but as the time passed I can see that it had a real impact on me, I was more lively and simply nicer while being with other people. And what's more I vomited not more than twice a day and I intended myself to meet with other people and I communicated with my family.
Even mum noticed that I was strangely courteous and smily. But right now she's blind as usual and I hate myself too much to bring myself down to the level of begging her to let me take antis. She's a doctor and she keeps on prescribing this kind of pills for my aunts, her friends while I'm here, numb and dying for some of them. Gosh, but I can't tell her I've tried them because she might be mad at me for my irresposibility... so I dunno. I may ask my psycho but I did it once previously and she ignored my request so I may try to tell her about this little trial with the tablets from my friend but it's all gonna be crap, I'm sure.

I've never ever before felt so crappy. So miserable.

start tomorrow!

I'm crap, there's no point in repeating it over and over again but what I'm doing is a mess, it's a nightmare for all of you probably but that's what I need to get to grips finally. I submitted to the Weight Loss Competition and that's good for a start. I'm gonna do that cause May passed by and I didn't even notice it. It's June tomorrow, I'm 16, I'm fed up and worn off and I have no faith in myself and no pills to deal with it but I'm in love, in love with the people I met here in the net... I want to have my value and show them and myself that I'm able to win... Let's start, the limit is 600kcal but probably that's a bit too much for a diet. No vomitting allowed.

Uh, I forgot, as for my foolishness, I've a few pounds and thanks to my stupid need to put on weight I got it back but that was the only way to motivate myself to a proper, healthier diet.

Hugs <3

low

Shite. I'm so tired and fed up, this stuff is fucking exhaustive. The tedious everyday activities are tiring themselves. How can I have strengh to fight against all those smaller and bigger enemies on my way if I've been eating&vomiting since I'm out of my antidepressants? And I can't get any more of them cause my parents totally opposite the chemical mood-altering stuff which is crap for me cause I'm going mad. It was the sixteenth day of constant, limitless b&ps period and I can neither see nor feel any positive changes in the pipeline.

I'm down. I'm wondering how my depression grows in strengh when I'm pulling its leg by taking fluoxetin and then taking it away? God, the next week will be pretty hard, I presume. The tests, stress at school and moreover my 16th birthday, my mum's consultation with my psych, not really a thing worth anticipating and the school trip which may turn into a total disaster for me cause for now I don't think it's possible for me to stop bingeing and vomiting like a fool [which means at least five times a day]...

god, be strong, please. [ I wish I could be]

mmm

I'm just so crazy now about losing weight that even though the scale shows 105 pounds I see myself and I feel myself constantly as a grossy fat person and it's getting more dangerous these days.I'm finally after my junior high school exams, on account of which I'm having a party at my place tonight.

I just to go down with my weight so horribly... I'm fighting with the binging&purging stuff and I hope that I'll be strong enough. After three days without throwing up my teeth are sooo better and not oversensitive so I can eventually bite sth.

Kisses, wish you all good day... xxx

ommmm, down.

Each day brings now something new, something fresh, but these are all gentle breezes of the past. Now I associate my past with eternal sense of possibility, mental nudity, innocence in thoughts and actions. I was so like the spring chilly wind. Bringing relief. Now it strikes me. I feel the love again. I'm so grateful. Despite all of this I can't stop vomiting, even enough I thought I might be successful tondday I broke down in the evening. I fell. God, I'm like the mother and the child at once, but have a bizzare premonition that I'll soon lose my patience cause I let myself down everyday. And I dissapoint the others who believe in me, too.

Hope you're not so fed up with my posts and my general incompetence, chiz.

Thank you all. Hugs for Zena <3and Ana and all of you who don't ignore me completely. xoxo

god, i'm fucked up.

I had just 1 day, literally ONE DAY of not purging and today I screw it up. Even now I'm eating and I'm planning to go for some more. I've already vomited for like 4 times after everything but probably soon I'll just fall asleep and let all the chocolate crispy cereals be digested. I'm soooo disgusting and I can't fight bulimia any longer, it's all over me. Shit, I should try 1000cals diet but I'm so scared to grow bigger and bigger.

And eventually I do it anyway throwing up and devasting my digestive system :(


love you all <3

still 37,4 degrees fever

Yesterday I had 250calories but I was not satisfied cause my mum managed to spoil my motivation and good mood with her comments like 'tommorrow you're starting to learn and EAT'

she is soooooooo annoying but everything would be okey if only I wasn't so affected by all the things she says :(

i'm so fat today. my thighs are disgusting in the mirror. i don't feel quite well with myself.

xxx

mental recovery

I so enjoy reading your blogs, I just wanna say thanks, that's absolutely motivating and encouraging, all the stuff you're writing about x

I just popped in for a sec to see if there are any new updates and there were indeed. I wanna give a big hug to Belle Svelte cause she's underestimating herself and I wish she saw some good in what she's creating and striked her happy medium in assessing her achievements <3

hey, that sign "<3" isn't very common among you, is it?

I've been doing well so far and as I mentioned I'm planning to have more or less 350cals today.

one more pic, so that you can better save my image in your mind


love, Joan xoxo

nite post

That's me or the memory of how I'd looked before my bulimic marathon... like which nationality I look?
Now you see my huge thighs, I managed to cover the chest area with this lovely overstretched H&M sweater.

This evening was different from the previous ones, I vomited of course many times but i felt a sudden upsurge of motivation, this willpower and I'm prepared for the fight again, I assume so at least.

How about starting a week's fast? Tommorrow I'm gonna have like 300-400 cals just to prepare myself for some starving and then I start on Monday :)

There so many possibilities of indulging yourself while having a restrictive and effective diet and I'm gonna do that, I made a list of things that will be a source of great pleasure when I lose several pounds/kilograms

i'm fat pig right now and I can't stand being unbalanced, it's time to change it, it's the first day of calendar spring here so the weather will soon be excellent and warm, perfect for positive, skinny ppl...

xoxoxo all

so-called introduction

Shit (good word to start with), I've been reading your blogs for many days now, I incidentally got to Nadja's one and I felt so incredibly close with you all. Even though there are many countries or continents between us I can't help but try to slip into your world and be there for you always. Promise (:

When it comes to me... my name is Joanna, Joan, Jo, however and I'm a little plump fatty who's suffering from bulimia or EDNOS, it depends on period. Recently, that's not quite colourful but I still believe that I'm able to start fasting again and find this irreplaceable pleasure in restrictive dieting. As for now... soon I will be celebrating my 50th day of b&ps' series :/ i can't digest anything anymore and I can't get through a day without throwing up, that's f*cking addictive.

I beg you to cut corners on my mistakes but you know... despite all the struggle, the never-ending inner battle I still have faith in people and in what they can achieve together so maybe my English will improve significantly and maybe I can get through all of this?

xoxo hope sb will drop in for a sec